Human beings are strange creatures, often waiting until we are forced to change rather than choosing to change before we "hit the wall." We see signs--irregular sleep, discord with others, regular illness, excessive drama, acting outside of our values--but we ignore them. We don’t act or we don't act consistently. Each time we ignore a sign we place a brick in the wall we eventually hit when all those signs add up to crisis. Sine qua non is Latin for indispensable element or condition. I call it "readiness." This blog seeks to connect those who are searching for or have found the sine qua non of change. What makes you or keeps you from taking off? What keeps you from flying or helps you soar? What do you know about change that can help others?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Interview with L

Making change is not for sissies. It requires a step by step journey from notion to action. It requires awareness, and lots of tough conversations with yourself about what holds you back. Michael Meade in Fate to Destiny believes our fate is what we are born with and our destiny is how we unfold as we overcome our fate. Don't forget, Albert Einstein was reported to have had a learning disability in school. He overcame his fate (circumstances) to create his destiny. It is right that we are every changing . . . like the earth.

T: L, how are you doing with your change work?

L: I continue to argue with myself about change and what I need to change and why. I've run the gambit of excuses and explanations and I'm not sure which is which. To make it worse, procrastination allows me to do nothing - except continue to think about it, which allows me to believe that I am doing something. I make lists, discard or disregard them.

T: Are you any closer to figuring out what change you want to make?

L: I can't say that I am, but I haven't given up. Of late, the weather makes me want to hibernate and just sit in my chair and watch the birds in the feeder. They sure have a lot of energy. My sleeping or lack thereof is very draining and immobilizing, inertia sets in. My medication causes my appetite to increase. And lack of sleep causes my body to reach for food to get some energy to keep going on the job and not fall asleep mid-afternoon. I worry that these are excuses rather than explanations.

T: Any good news?

L: I think so. A c-pap machine to combat sleep apnea. I know some people who use a c-pap and they say they wake up rested and eager to get on with the day. I am looking forward to that. It became clear to me as I was trying to make change that I needed more than a few hours of sleep each night to be clear about what changes I want to make. I had run myself ragged, resigned to my sleep deprivation..

T: Is there anything else you want to share:

L: Well, I had an interesting conversation with God recently - well maybe not a conversation, as I did all the talking or blaming. It surrounded things like - why doesn't a chocolate cookie have the same nutritional value and caloric content as a carrot? Or why can't a carrot taste like a chocolate cookie? I mean really, who made up these things. I hear people talk about how sweet carrots are or onions. They do not taste sweet to me. Why is that? Is it part of a conspiracy to keep me overweight and unhealthy? I take it personally. I know part of this is just my being ornery and argumentative about not having things the way I want them. And so it goes.

The internal dialogue is good for me, requiring some examination of who I am and if I can still be who I am (the parts I like) if I change.

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The Journey

by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

I mourn for you

I cry because someone important once degraded you, carved a mark on your soul that colors your lens, distorts your thinking. I ache because your head has built a wall around your heart that protects you from people you long to know. I grieve because you serve others, settle for less than you want, sit with that lump in your throat and ache in your heart that leaks tears when you speak. I mourn for the signs you saw and ignored, parasites sucking you dry of money and emotions, of goodwill and compassion until you cannot put a sentence together any more than you can repair your life because you are clueless about where to start.

Awareness before change

Awareness November 2008

“I was hoping to come back and join you in bed,” my sweetie said clearly disappointed as he walked past me on his way to the bedroom after spending the night in the guest room where his back finds respite. “Too late,” I retorted, fully clothed, brewing a cup of coffee and unfolding my buttermilk pancake recipe. He continued to our bed, surely hoping I would change my mind. Standing my ground meant we missed out on the irreplaceable morning “spoon”—a defiance way beyond the occasion and very much out of character.

I had nothing to say on this Pancake Sunday--a ritual we started to bring the family back to the fold once a week, even after Mom arrived; even when my sweetie tried to get me to leave my post at the grill to come see the critters converged on the deck enjoying the morning’s banquet of seeds and suet. I ignored him. “I’ve got pancakes to turn,” I growled under my breath.

I could feel myself slipping over the edge as Mom poured syrup and detailed the lives of her neighbors and their little girl whom she cannot forgive for going without underpants, and the impending birth of twins, and the small house they live in, and the Mom’s favorite coffee and their latest conversation encased in a “Then I said,” and “Then she said,” recalling every word. “I don’t care,” I thought, through my blank stare.

That was the first time I realized my heart hurt. Not the “I’m-having-a-heart-attack” kind of hurt, but an ache in the anterior. I breathed deep into the pain and sighed.

Luckily only Mom had joined us on this Sunday after Thanksgiving. Instead of the usual group of friends and optimistic chit-chat, we ate with an uncomfortable quiet. It didn’t take long for her to pack up and go home after breakfast, leaving me alone to dwell on the status of my relationship, the recent and untimely death of a friend, my floundering career. My heart hurt. I breathed deep and sighed and relieved it for a moment more.

Awareness October 2009

Darkness had not yet dissolved on the Saturday morning I awoke anxious and sad and inconsolable. The contrast was stark to the usual song in my head. The frenzy prevented me from turning and breathing and willing myself back to sleep. What? I wondered.

The channels flipped on my internal tube, exposing trailers of unfinished business, the chasm I feared growing between me and my daughter, the class the previous day that produced two negative evaluations, conversation with the neighbors at dinner the night before where we talked about elders and our turn, Thanksgiving plans upended again in a phone call.

I paused and hit replay. Decades of chaotic Thanksgiving scenes montaged through; my Dad’s death on the holiday when I was 5, yelling and swats with the hair brush over dresses and curls, a major riff in the family where half split off to celebrate elsewhere, Mom insisting on celebrating one place or another creating the necessity to “pick sides,” my daughter throwing up to avoid choosing, the ache in my heart the year before. Years of chaos and drama created by ancient sadness and suffering disguised itself as current reality and visited me there in my bed to me to remind me to move on.